| I'm glad Turtleman isn't my Dad |
[Jul. 16th, 2005|08:30 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  excited | ] |
Well, I found out the baby's name. I heard some nurses laughing about it. Mom named my little sis Benadryl. Grammaw says Mom would have named it Budweiser if it had been a boy. Mom is dry now, and her arms are bandaged. I wanted to ask her what happened, but there were policemen in her room talking to her. I was eavesdropping until Grammaw called me an evil child and told me that eavesdroppers get struck deaf by the Lord. Then she acted like she was going to whisper something to me, and when I leaned in closer, she spit in my ear and cackled. It was a happy cackle. She's been nicer since the baby came. Anyway, I heard a little before I was interrupted. Mom went to the Wal-Mart to talk to the guy who stocks and cleans the fish tanks. He was working behind one and she was begging him to marry her before the baby was born so that it wouldn't be a bastard. I don't know why the baby would be less of a bastard if it had him as a daddy though. He smells like a turtle, and he looks like one too. He's a bit touched in the head according to Grammaw. He only says four words: Yes, No, Pottytime, and Taco. Grammaw says she doesn't know whether it was "Taco" or "Pottytime" that sweet-talked the panties off of my Mom. He kept saying "NO" while my Mom was pleading with him through the fish tank. Finally, she said he stopped talking altogether, and she could see him reaching in the tank, pulling out fish, and putting them in his pants. She was banging on the glass to get his attention, but he was just moaning from orgasms, (I think when fish are in your pants, they bite you and give you spasms, but they should call them fishasms). So she kept banging until her fists broke through the tank. Then she punched a security guard who was trying to pull her away from the pet section. The police are going to take her away I think. And right after Grammaw spit in my ear some other policemen took her away because of her assault on the nurse. One of the nurses let me hold Benadryl. I think she felt sorry for me since Mom and Grammaw are going to jail. I snuck off when everyone was distracted by Mom screaming for someone to kill her or give her a beer. I could still hear her as I passed through the front door with my baby sister still in my arms. I think we'll both be fine. Jesus will provide. I've been trying to breastfeed, but I don't think anything is coming out. How do I fill my milk-bags? Jesus?
Love,
Candace
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 8th, 2005|06:02 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
Wow you guys! I can’t believe what an awesome day it was. Like I told you, my mom went to the hospital to get her baby taken out! It was really overdue, and my mom was crying all the time and drinking a lot of beers. She’s had kind of a hard time I guess, what with the amnesia, crazy hospital, social services, counseling, working at the call center, her cock fights, etc. So when Grammaw and I saw her waddling out to the driveway and squeezing behind the wheel of the car, we understood. Jesus is a busy guy and can’t always make babies come out when they’re supposed to. After nine months and two and a half weeks of waiting, my mom was ready to turn to science. For once, I don’t fault her. We live in the future you guys! Why waste our futuristic medical stuff on stupid junk like druggies and illegal aliens?!
Me and Grammaw left a few minutes later to try and catch up with my mom at the hospital. On the way, Grammaw told me the baby didn’t want to come out because it heard what a harlot I am and it’s afraid of getting syphilis! This made sense to me. Babies can hear people talking and stuff, but I’ll bet it’s kinda muffled in there. There’s no telling what the baby thinks! I didn’t want to scare the baby anymore, so at the hospital I walked on my tip-toes and whispered every time I had to say something, just in case! It was weird though, because when we got there and asked the nurse what room my mom was in, she couldn’t find it! Eventually she told us mom wasn’t there at all. Grammaw started yelling and swearing and grabbing the nurse by her hair and slamming her head into the desk and stuff, but I calmed her down. I still don’t know what happened to Mom. I thought maybe she stopped off for a beer on the way, or that maybe we just beat her there, plain and simple. Grammaw doesn’t stop at stop lights or anything. She says those are to keep the colored folks out of our way. Plus she always drives real fast, and she does her “Grammaw’s Shortcuts” that occasionally take us through a back yard or two.
Anyway, just a little bit after I got Grammaw’s claws untangled from the nurse’s coarse hairstyle, some ambulance guys brought mom in on a stretcher! Her arms were all bloody and her hair and clothes were wet! Could it be that mom stopped off for a swim and got snagged in some prickles or something? I still haven’t been able to ask her about it. We’ve both been so busy! Anyway, they whisked mom away to an operating room and Grammaw ran after them. I tried to keep up, but since I was on tippy toes, I lost them after a little while. I wandered around the hospital for a few hours until I found the snack bar! I can always find the snack bar! It’s like Jesus shines a special light that only I can see leading right to the Ding Dongs! Thanks Jesus! And when I put a dollar in to get the Ding Dongs, two came out! Thanks again! But things like that always happen to me, because I am blessed. I sat down and gnawed open the wrapper with my teeth. Here’s where it gets really cool you guys. The whole room was empty except for me, a couple of tvs set on the Fox News Channel, a bunch of napkins blowing around, and one guy, really far away in the corner. I knew he looked familiar, so I sneaked over to another table to get a better look. That’s when I realized it was. . . MR POULK! You guys remember Mr. Poulk! He was my biology teacher when I went to Pine Forest. He hadn’t noticed me-- at least, not until I screamed, “MR. POULK!!!” and ran across the dining area to see him. He got up, I guess to give me a hug, but then he apparently remembered something and started to run for the fire escape. Luckily I caught up with him and gave him a big hug anyway!
I always used to give Mr. Poulk a hard time, but that’s because he’s a sinner and refuses to accept Jesus into his life. That’s why he’s balding, flabby, poor, ugly, and stupid. I was so concerned about him at one point I even wrote “Jesus saves!” for every answer once on a biology test and he gave me an “F” anyway! He drew a mad face on it, and the mad face had devil horns! If that’s not bad enough, he also wrote on my test,
“Mind your own business, you little cunt! Hail Satan!”
Now, I do not know what a cunt is. I guess it’s like a Christian, so I can’t disagree with him on that one! Not to brag, but I’m the biggest cunt ever! Anyway, that’s always how it’s been between me and Mr. Poulk. Things just got more confusing one afternoon when I woke up from a day dream and saw that the whole time I had been writing “Mr. Poulk is so fine!” all over the back of my notebook. So if I hate Mr. Poulk, but really love him, maybe Mr. Poulk secretly has special feelings for me too! How could he not?! After all, I am the third prettiest girl in “Virgins for Life.” In two years, I could get my GED and we could get married! It’s possible you guys! It really is! And I think about it all the time.
I noticed Mr. Poulk was holding some flowers from the gift shop. He was sweating and shaking, and it wasn’t even hot in there. He told me he had problems, big problems and he didn’t know what to do. Luckily, I did! I got Mr. Poulk to pray with me for an answer! I didn’t even ask what was wrong. I didn’t want him to accuse me of being a nosy cunt and stomp away in a huff! To my amazement, Mr. Poulk got down beside me on his knees in the snack room and we closed our eyes. Since Mr. Poulk wasn’t too familiar with Jesus, I introduced them and lead the prayer. I thought I did a pretty good job, and I’m sure Jesus will tell Mr. Poulk what to do, as long as he’s open to receiving The Word. When I opened my eyes though, Mr. Poulk was gone! Immediately I thought maybe he had been whisked away by God to tour the wonders of Heaven, but lately I’m starting to realize that probably the most mean answer is the true one, and that Mr. Poulk just got up and left while my eyes were closed, probably during the second or third hymn. Maybe he had to go to the bathroom. I doubt it though. You just can’t help some people! I think that’s in the bible.
I went back to eating my ding dongs when Grammaw came reeling around the corner.
“How’d I know I’d find you here!” she snarled. I thought she was going to yell at me about eating junk food again, but she was actually in a pretty good mood. By Grammaw standards that’s pretty much ecstatic! Oh yeah and I saw the new baby. It’s a girl and she’s pretty ugly. I think her name is like, Barbara or something with a “B.” Or maybe it doesn’t have a “B.” I wasn’t really listening. Overall, I don’t think I’ll like having her around all that much, actually. Thanks for the miracle anyway, Jesus.
Love,
Candace
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| Breaking news: A Miracle! |
[Jul. 7th, 2005|01:34 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | ecstatic | ] |
This is Candace with breaking miracle report you guys! I'm so excited! My mom's baby is two weeks late, so she's going to the hospital now to have it removed! I can't wait to see it! I'll let you guys know what happens as soon as I find out!
Love,
Candace
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| I'm back! |
[Jul. 6th, 2005|04:17 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
Ok, I’m back. Back to my problem. Actually now it seems kinda silly, but at the time it was just awful! See, I have always loved unicorns! I think they are beautiful, like horses only better because they have rainbow hair sometimes, and a shiny horn (of course) that can sometimes shoot out a glitter ray! How can people not like unicorns?! I really don’t understand. I’ve prayed a lot about it, especially at Virgins For Life. The kids there are really nice about it, but they don’t really understand, so they just nod and smile and go back to talking about abortions. I don’t even want an abortion! I want a unicorn!
Anyway, Grammaw barged into my room this morning, despite my “do not disturb” door hanger, and my “No Grammaws Allowed” sign, and even the “CAUTION: FAT UNGRATEFUL JEZEBEL IN HERE!” sign (Grammaw added that one herself!). I don’t know why she came in in the first place. It was almost time for Waterjazz! at the senior center, and she’s always saying she likes to get there early before all the Mexicans pee in the pool. But anyway she burst in screaming about Lord knows what, until she saw my unicorn poster. Now, this is a beautiful poster! It has a rainbow waterfall, a pretty moon and snowy mountain in the background, but in the foreground, standing at a stream is a majestic unicorn! A breeze is blowing its beautiful mane a little bit, and its nostrils are a little bit widened like it’s smelling all of God’s wonderful creations all at once. I do that sometimes! At first I thought Grammaw liked the poster as much as I do, and she was just struck with its beauty! But I was wrong! Grammaw’s eyes got smaller and rounder and more glowy red. Her veins started poking out on the side of her head and her neck! It was scary. She yelled that unicorns were dirty, homosexual, “mistakes” from the devil’s rectum that God tried to flush from the earth that one time when He flooded it like a giant toilet bowl. She said unicorns are directly responsible for tuberculosis, AIDS, homosexuals (of course), and democrats! I tried to yell back at her that she’s the one who made AIDS (she told me that one day), and she’s just jealous of unicorns because she is old and has to wear a wig and adult diapers. I couldn’t get it all out though. Grammaw was still screaming and scratching at my face with her long, diarrhea-caked fingernails! I hope I don’t get tetanus. If I do she’ll probably blame it on a unicorn anyway. Luckily I have Jesus on my side. He’ll help me through anything. Jesus, it’s your little friend Candace from Earth on line one!
Love
Candace
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| I'm so upset! |
[Jul. 6th, 2005|03:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
You guys, I'm so upset! I prayed to Jesus about it, but I don't feel better yet. Jesus probably wants me to figure things out myself and quit bothering him about every little thing. That's what the youth pastor told me anyways, and he's like Jesus' secretary! (What a great job! Here's your coffee Jesus! I'm taking orders for lunch, Jesus! I hate Chinese food too, Jesus. And Chinese people!) Anyways, I think I just need to talk/type it all out I guess. You guys are such great listeners/readers!
OK, so I had an awful argument with my Grammaw this morning and I've been eating marshmallow fluff all day long! I tend to eat when I'm upset, which could explain my weight gain this summer. Plus praying isn't really all that aerobic. Maybe if you get all into it like those weirdos down the street with their snakes and fainting and everything! I wish the FBI would just burn down that house of blaspheme and strip the whole congregation down to their demon’s bones! That’s what I call a barbeque, Fundamentalist X-tian Style! Now I want some ribs. Brb... |
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| Shhh... don't tell... I ran away! |
[Jun. 22nd, 2005|04:35 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | anxious | ] |
Hi you guys! I've really missed you! I've been wanting to tell you about everything that's going on cause you're like my best friends, (well, after Jesus and his Dad.) Grammaw stopped taking her pills and started getting her "spells" again. She said the pharmacist was trying to poison her and she would have none of that!!! I took it as long as I could! But she started thinking the rapture was nigh and even though she didn't try to set me on fire she still messed with me. She started waking me up early every morning so she could spend an hour duct taping my yoo hoo. She'd only leave a little hole where I could poke in my "peein' straw" (it's really only a regular straw that Gammaw cut in half.) She said she was tired of all the boys "having at me" whatever that means. Then a few days ago when she drove me to one of my Christian youth programs, (my favorite one, Jesus Hates Fags), she saw me talking with Ty, the really nice boy who wears clear nail polish. He was eating a raspberry zinger and got some cream on his face. I swiped it off with my finger and then licked it off. Grammaw went crazy! She yelled "SLUT!! WHORE!!" really loud. I tried to tell her I wasn't flirting, I just really love raspberry zingers, (except the coconut, I scrape that off.) But she kept yellin and then she reached in her handbag and pulled out her butcher knife and started coming towards me and Ty. I ran. It was funny, cause I think Ty thought she was after him too, so he was running next to me. We ended up at his place, and he said I could stay there in his room until Grammaw calmed down. Which was weird, cause first he said I couldn't stay, but then I used his bathroom and he accidently walked in before I was done. I was standing with my back to him, aiming my straw in his toilet, and he said the strangest thing. He goes: "I had a feeling you were a guy." It must have been his way of saying I was cool or something, cause he said I could stay after that, and that I could share his bed instead of sleeping on the floor. I'm so glad he hates fags as much as me and Jesus, otherwise I never would have met him! Anyway, him and his best friend Jeremy went to find fags to beat up in the name of Jesus, and so I'm using his computer until they get back. I hope those evil, hell-damned fags don't hurt them again. When they came back from their holy-beatdown yesterday, they both had marks on their necks from where the devil spawn tried to suck their blood. I felt so bad for them. They both looked so embarrased when I mistook the wounds for hickies.
Anyway, I hope everyone is ok, and if you're not -- IT'S BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T LET JESUS INTO YOUR DAMNED LIVES! (I wasn't cussing there, I meant damned like unsaved, ok?)
Love you, and Jesus too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| Resurrected! And It Feels So Good! |
[Jun. 4th, 2005|01:30 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | ecstatic | ] |
Wow you guys! It's been forever since I updated this thing! But you know, I didn't forget you guys. I never would! Just like Jesus would never forget me! Things are pretty much back to normal at my house. My mom is basically recovered. She went back to work at the call center in March and she's doing well. She almost got employee of the month but some other lady got it instead because she's a godless heathen and used her hell powers to hypnotize Bill, my mom's team leader. Grammaw is out of her coma and back into her geriatrics jazzercize, waterjazz, and making her Christian hookrugs. She takes alot of pills now and they mostly keep her from getting her "spells." That's what Mom calls it when Grammaw thinks the rapture is nigh and tries to set me on fire. It's hard for Grammaw to keep up with them though, and she's not really supposed to drive anymore because the pills make her dizzy and sleepy and angry and sometimes she has blackouts. Shhh! She has to drive anyway though because Mom is busy with work and her doctor's appointments for the baby, and no one else can take Grammaw to her activities and me to my Christian youth-oriented after-school programs: Stieffle Thicket Baptist Church Youth Prayer Group, Christian Faith Circle, Bible Study for the Homely, Virgins for Life, Christ After Five, and Jesus Hates Fags. JHF is my favorite! There are so many cute boys in there, and they are all so clean and easy to talk to! One boy, Ty, even wears nail polish, but only clear. He's one of my best friends. This summer we're going to finish our musical about how God hates fags and get the Youth Group to put it on during Faith Week! It's going to be so awesome! You guys will come, right? Even my old friends from Pine Forest? (Tammi and Ashley, I miss you girls!!! Call!!! BFF!!!)
As some of you know, I no longer go to Pine Forest Middle. After my appearance on Maury, and my subsequent enrollment in and graduation from Pine Valley Sixteen Week Youth Camp, I transferred to Stieffle Thicket Baptist Academy for the rest of the year, where hopefully Jesus and the teaching staff will help me to be a better Christian. That's all I really want, you guys. I just want to make Jesus happy. Because He makes me the happiest girl in the world!!!!
Love,
Candace
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| This Some Damn Bullshit |
[Nov. 11th, 2004|09:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cranky | ] |
Ok Ya'll. I'ma tell you straight up, this some bullshit! Ok? The lady from Social Services say, (you have to read this like you some whiney ass cracka bitch) "Your Mom is doing very well. She has been going to counseling regularly and her psychiatrist, judge, and even I feel that she is capable of providing care for herself, her ailing mother and her children." What kinda shit is that?!? It's some bullshit, is what! I told LaTasha how my Mama used to leave me in the mutha fuckin attic and shit, and she say her Mama don't even do that shit by accident! She don't even do that shit when she be drunk and pissed off and need LaTasha to get her her bb gun out the attic then forget she up there! Not even when LaTasha and DaQuarri was playing with a Quija board and LaTasha mom come home early and got possessed by that punkass Nazi prison guard. LaTasha did be makin some damn lampshades though! And they nice, too. Anyway, I was so mad at that bitch, you don't even know. But all a sudden I think, wait, this bitch said "ailing mother and children." Ailing mother mean my crazy as shit fuckin Grammaw. But what children? My Mama only have one child and that's me. I tell that Social Services bitch and she say, "You and the child she is carrying." The child she carrying!? I say she best put that damn thing down, cause she crazy! She butterfingers! She don't need to be carrying no child. Then the lady say, "No, she's...with child." With child? With who child? She ain't got no other child. She done took somebody child from the grocery store again! They probably looking for that little shit. Then the lady start yelling, "She's pregnant! Ok?! Idiot!! Your Mom is pregnant! There is a child in her womb. A baby! Your mom and some sexually mature man got together and had sexual intercourse. He put his penis in your mom's vagina. The man's penis squirted sperm into your mom's uterus! It fertilized one of your crazy mother's crazy ugly eggs! Ok?! Christ! Don't you kids learn about this in school! She's gonna have puppies! Ok!? Understand?! Damn." Then the bitch see everybody lookin at her so she give me a look like she tired, close up her little briefcase and click away on her little high heels. Latasha mom take me home and tell me she will always be my Mama and I can always come stay with her if I need to. But now my Mama knocked up. Damn. They gonna be another little child in the house. They gonna be another Candace. Or a Candace little brother. Sometime I look at Cedric and think, maybe we could have a child. I got my period not too long ago, but tell yall the truth, I'm bored with it. I would not miss it for 9 or so months. Cedric would be a good daddy. He only 15, and his family broke as damn hell, but Cedric nice. He just set around and watch TV. So long as the kid like TV, they get along aiight. So my mama can't be takin care of no baby. Shoot I don't know how I still be breathing. It had to be Jesus. If my mama have a baby and it come out all right, and she don't eat it or drop it or some crazy shit, I will take care of the baby. I'm thirteen. It's time to step up. Latasha and Latasha mom and dad will help. Cedric can look after it sometime if we busy. I think it can turn out good if my mama don't fuck with it too much. And if Jesus help us, which I know He will cause Jesus cool like that.
Peace,
Candace
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| my foster life |
[Oct. 26th, 2004|10:34 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nervous | ] |
Well, I have just been getting used to life at my foster Mama's house. Things are pretty great, actually. I am grounded pretty much all the time, but so are all the kids. My foster Mama don't be puttin up with no bullcrap from my little cracker ass! That's what she says all the time. She's so funny! My foster sister, Latasha, helped me braid my hair in cornrows, and I got to sit with the black kids at lunch and make fun of all the white people. White people so corny y'all. I realize now from hanging out with Latasha, Daquarri, Shelisa, Nikita and Latonya that what I used to think was cool is all cracker ass bullcrap! Except Jesus. He's still tops! Or I mean, I'm down with Jesus. I even got a cool black boyfriend! I met him at the school dance. Normally I never would have gone to a school dance, because the last time I went the kids kept accidentally spilling pig's blood on me. It was gross you guys! But this time I hung out with Latasha and Daquarri, and that's when Cedric asked me to dance! Now, Cedric is morbidly obese and has two lazy eyes, but he can git down. After that night, he asked me to be his girlfriend. Of course I said yes you guys! I never had a boyfriend before and Cedric is so fine except for his body and his face! And he smells a little bit, but that's ok if there is a slight breeze going! I still say my mom losing her memory was the best thing to ever happen to me, but I've got some bad news. My foster Mama said the social services lady called to tell her that my mom is doing alot better and the court might decide to make me go back to live with her! How can they do that?! I finally realize I am black and I finally belong and I finally have friends who like me! I don't know how I will get out of this mess, but I'm sure Jesus will help me think of something! Won't you?!
Love,
Candace
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| Bad Girl |
[Oct. 10th, 2004|04:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | embarrassed | ] |
Sorry I haven't been online for awhile. I got my computer privileges taken away cause I'm a bad girl. I don't mean to be, I really don't Jesus! I'm still staying with the foster family. I started back at school on Monday, (I'm so behind that I freaked out and started crying and calling "Jesus help me!" over and over.) By third period they had sent me to the school nurse and she said I was suffering from malnutrition and nervous exhaustion. And they told me I had to see a psychiatrist too because I told foster "Mama" about what Jimmie Kelly had done. (This is weird Jesus, but she actually knows him! He's like her cousin or something.) I wasn't going to tell 'Mama' about him, but one day after school, I went to my house to pick up some things, and when I got there I heard some moaning from my room and peeked inside. It was Jimmie! He was lying naked on my bed, and he had a pair of my undies on, (my Powerpuff Girls ones... I'm never wearing THOSE again!) He also had my pink ones on his head, and was holding my shiny smooth gold ones that make me feel like a super hero when I wear them. He was using it like a washcloth or something on his thingy. Only I don't think it felt as good on his privates as it does on mine, cause he was moaning like it hurt. He was still 'cleaning' when he saw me, only faster, to get done I think. And he was staring at me a little like the way he did when he'd let me out of the dog kennel to use the catbox. I finally said something... but I felt stupid cause I had stopped there to get clean undies mostly. I said "I need my underwear" and went to my dresser drawer. He was using all my 'clean' ones though. The others were in the dirty laundry basket. He said he'd trade me the ones he was using for the pair I was wearing. I told them they were mine, and that he wasn't supposed to be in my house and that I was going to tell. He started to get up and I got scared and ran into the laundry room in the garage. I locked the door and grabbed as many of my undies as I could find. I heard the front door close, and I went out after a little while and looked in my bedroom. He was gone, but he left 2 or the undies on my bed, (he took my gold ones though... wahhhh.) I picked them up and they had booger snots on them and were wet and funky smelling. I don't like Jimmie Kelly. I don't like him one bit. Anyway. I got in trouble from 'Mama' for being late getting to my foster home. I told her what happened, and about the dog kennel and stuff. She didn't report him though cause he's family. But she said to stay away from him. And she told the social worker about it and made me tell them that I didn't know his name, or where he lived. Then they made me talk to a psychiatrist and get a pregnancy test even though I never even married Jimmie! (Dummies! I told them I didn't marry him Jesus!) Anyway. Jimmie was waiting after school one day and drove past me as I was walking home. He said he was very angry at me for telling on him, and he threw my gold undies into my face and said that I was a bad girl. That he thought I was nice at first, but that I was bad... very bad. I wanted to cry so bad, I just wasn't thinking, I missed a psychiatrist appointment and a choir practice. Mama said no computer or telephone or television for a week. It's still not up yet, but she's over at her auntie's house, so I thought I'd let everyone know I was ok. I've missed you!!!!!
All my love to you and Jesus!
(and remember, He loves you too!)
Your friend,
Candace
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo |
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